Monday, May 16, 2011

The time I embarrassed my mother at the pool.




This story has become family lore and gets told at holidays or when my parents want to poke fun at me.

Once upon a time my mother took me to the pool. I had a jolly time splashing around and swallowing pool water.

This water is the best thing EVA

well soon after four hours it was time for me to go home. Mom took me to the locker room.  And then something like this happened.

excuse me why is your booty so large? 


There was a woman in the locker room. This woman had a very large behind. I had never seen a woman with such a large behind. So I asked my mother:
"Mom, why is that woman's bottom so big?"
Well you see I also still had water in my ears so I said this REALLY LOUD. The woman had totally heard me asking about the size of here hinny. 

My poor Mother.
DAMAGE CONTROL.
She used her mom voice. She was going to try and use this moment to teach me. It could have worked out so well. She said:
"That's not very nice. You should say you're sorry." 

I had recently watched Bambi and learned from Thumper
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
So, with that gold nugget of wisdom in mind I prepared to bridge the gap between myself and this unknown woman. I said in my sweetest, nicest voice possible.
"I'm sorry your bottom is so big."
what did you say to me small child?


The woman clearly did not think that was a nice thing to say. My mother scoped me up half clothed and carried my still wet out to the car.  And that's why my mother can't take me out in public anymore.
I just can't take you to the pool.

4 comments:

  1. Happens to all of us! My son asked me, "Why are you so fat?" I tried to tell him that wasn't nice, not because it bothered me, but because some of his teachers are *way* bigger than me and I didn't want him asking them that! :)

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  2. I did something similar to my poor mom when I was a young lass as well. I am just waiting for the day when either my son or daughter return the favor!!! :)

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  3. My seven-year-old Aspie son committed the other day what can only be described as a doozie of a mom-humiliation. At church. Let me set the scene: very traditional Presbyterian church, they still sing hymns even, most people were dressed very nicely (no jeans, even) and about 75% of the congregation is probably over 60. It was our first time attending services at this church, but they were very friendly and we were enjoying meeting people.

    So halfway through the service, the assistant pastor calls for all the children to come up to the front of the church and sit on the altar for "Children's Time". The children get settled and she starts telling a story about how God's grace and love is the most wonderful gift that we will ever get. And she asks if any of the children have ever gotten a gift that they were disappointed with. My son's hand shoots up. I got a sinking feeling. She calls on him AND HANDS HIM THE MICROPHONE. He launches into a tale about a toy RC helicopter that my mom had given him and rambles on about it for what seemed like 5 minutes, when really it was probably only 30 seconds. But he ended with "I don't know, it's just a DAMN piece of junk." The entire place erupted with laughter. I buried my face in my hands and desperately wished for a hole to open up in the floor and swallow me. I did get some very encouraging comments later though, that every kid does things like that. (And hey, I always say make an impression on people, right? )

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