Throwing rocks that create tsunamis

Several commenters on Stark Raving Mad Mommy seem to be concerned that if they attempt to teach their children how to read facial expressions, the parents might come off too strongly and their children's feelings might get hurt.



I'd like to share a story with you, if I may, that might shed some light on the subject.


When I was in elementary school, I didn't understand the social thing. I didn't get personal space, or waiting for a pause in the conversation to talk, and my personal hygiene was lacking.

This did not go over very well with the other kids.

As punishment for my out of bounds social behavior, the kids at my school found a fitting punishment for me: they threw rocks. They were never very big rocks- mostly the pea gravel from the playground.


In contrast, any kind of guidance from parents is sweet and kind by comparison.

From johndavidthorntondrawing.blogspot.com

Think about a tsunami

Most of them are caused by an earthquake in the ocean. This earthquake doesn't have to be very big; it can be fairly small. In the middle of the ocean, a tsunami isn't very big- only about a foot higher than normal sea levels. As the earthquake causes a shockwave that travels closer to shore, the wave caused by the earthquake becomes more visible as it increases in amplitude.

There are stories of Japanese fishing vessels going out to sea on a calm day and returning at night to find their villages destroyed by tsunamis they didn't even see.

This is like the social thing. NNTs are like Japanese fishermen out at sea; we can't see the tsunamis until we get close to shore again. Everyone else are like villagers; they can see the tsunami coming. Parents, teachers, psychologists, etc. are like scientists: they have the equipment to see a tsunami coming- they might even be able to teach the fishermen to use those instruments.

Now, if you don't know what a tsunami is- or what causes them- you might attribute it to God, or demons, or Cthulhu. That's where parents come in: they can tell you that it is not God or Cthulhu, but an earthquake/weird behavior that causes tsunamis/rock throwing.

Today scientists have equipment that can help detect earthquakes that cause tsunamis; they detect changes that aren't visible to the naked eye. Even with this equipment, if you were to be in the ocean above an earthquake, you might not see anything other than a small wave. But you are a scientist! You know an earthquake has occurred- your instruments say so.



Children can be incredibly cruel and mean. If you love your kid and tell them so, and just keep trying to teach them the social thing.


I almost never get that my behavior is a problem until it becomes tsunami-sized. I still sometimes don't see others' facial or body expressions unless they are tsunami-sized. I forget to use my science equipment to look for the early warning signs of other peoples happiness, sadness and anger.

As a parent, your job is to give your child the tools they need to successfully navigate the world around them. If you are doing your best to prepare your child by teaching them facial expressions, you can bet that your techniques are more kind than the techniques used by your child's peers.

Friends.

Hey Ya'll. What's up? How's life going?

It's the same old same old here. You know. Living in Kyrgyzstan.

This is Kyrgyzstan

So, in Kyrgyzstan there are these things called Marshutkas. They are like super tiny buses. And usually they are filled like clown cars.  LIKE CLOWN CARS.


Which is funny, until you have to ride one.

Did I mention that I'll be here for the next 9 months? 

Marshutkas, they aren't airconditioned.

So riding a marshutka is like riding a sensory overload mobile.

SENSORY OVERLOAD MOBILE

 Riding a Marshutka is like riding a small sweaty crowded clown car.

So, there is that part of what I'm doing with my life. But I'm also doing other things, like learning Russian. Which is awesome. And I'm also making friends. Which is the subject of today's post.

I spent so many sleepless nights thinking about how to write this post.

Making friends is possibly one of the single most anxiety inducing processes ever. Possibly more anxiety inducing than an outdoor concert.

No Kanye.

So here are some things that I have handily discovered about making friends.


There are 6.94 Billion people on Earth. There are probably only about 7 people I would willingly hang out with for more than four hours.

True Story

WHY:

NT's are weird. They find weird things meaningful, like touching each others hair, and braiding it. And talking about which Spiderman character is the best.

Wouldn't you rather talk about the number of endangered languages, or compare Starwars to modes of philosophical thought?

YES.

Because I would way rather do that.

People are kind of a  lot of work. Sometimes it feels like interacting with them is job. NT's don't have a readily compatible interface. Like a Mac and PC. It feels sometimes like I need translation software.

Yes!! (from leacyclan.com)

SO a conversation usually goes,

Think of something to say.

Think of a way to say that follows social norms so that NT's won't be offended/confused.

Wait for a response.

Life would be easier if I had the force!

Retranslate verbal response with body language clues to figure out what the NT  ACTUALLY (because why use perfectly good words to say what you mean when you have body language and other less useful ways of communicating.)

I have this thought often during social interactions

Do you see where this becomes exhausting?

I spend most of my time doing this and the other part of my time figuring out what  Weird Social Thing I've missed.

So typical friendships usually only last as long as I'm willing to put this amount of effort into them.

So what is the best way to find friends?

Other NNTs.

You know that other weird kid in class? The one spending 2/3 of their time out in the hall because they can't sit still? They are pretty much interested in being your friend, because you can't sit still either.

Side note: do they even send kids to sit out in the hall any more? Because I'm pretty sure I spent more time in the hallway than I did the classroom in kindergarden.

People who have siblings who are NNT.

You know who knows how to handle weirdness? These people.You know you also might be weird. These people.

Adults who know that children are actually just tiny adults. (And treat them that way)

Adults are awesome. They use big words and are not interested in Bratz/My Little Pony/ Spider Man. They are often interested in Ancient History/Astronomy/Current Events in Central Asia. And if they are super awesome, they will talk with small NNT's about it.

And they use the big words and not look at you weird when you understand them and can use the big words too.

Where do you find these kinds of people?

Clubs/ Activities with a beginning and an end and predictability and something to do with your feet.

Like Dance!

Have I mentioned I love predicatable things? Because they are my favorite

So one of my worst nightmares is being thrown into a room with people.

What do I do?

Who do I talk with?

What am I supposed to do with my feet?

All of these are important questions. I like people (sometimes) But I need a structured enviroment with predictable modes of interaction in order to feel comfortable!

This means dinner parties are out indefinately and so are cocktail parties. Any glamourous images you have of yourself with a martini glass making everyone laugh can be replaced with awkward girl with pigtails sitting in the corner.

Awkward face.

There simply isn't enough structure in these kinds of situations for me to feel safe.

BUT you do have to interact with people at some point. Because, they are like everywhere.

SO, why not join a club, or some other after school activity?

Why:

Glorious Predicatability!

Tom Cruise approves

They have a beginning and an end time. This means that I can predict when it will start. I can also predict when it will end. I know that it will end. I know that I will only have to interact with my peers until time runs out.
 

For Example: I swam competitivly for 7 years. My parents decided I would be less injured if I was boyant for most of the time. I knew the plan.

2:30 arrive at pool.
2:35 go into locker room
2:45 go out onto pool deck.
Spend 10 minutes on pool deck avoiding getting into pool/socializing with others.

Wait for coach to say get in the pool for the 4th time.

Get in the pool.

I knew this was the plan, every day. Every time. It was wonderful, because this was predicatable, the Weird Social Stuff was also predicatble.

For example:

Acceptable topics to talk about on the pool deck:

How cold the water probably is

How sore you are from yesterday's workout.

How sore you will probably be from today's workout. 

If I want, I can practice these conversations.

And they happen pretty much every day. In the same manner, with the
same people.

Perfect. Mostly.

The other reason for things like this:

Activities.


The focus isn't on the Weird Social Stuff that's happening (for NNTs) The focus is on
the activity.


Activities are more goal oriented than Weird Social Things.


   I am going to swim across the pool and back

   I am going to learn how to make this knot

   I am going to learn all of the notes to this song.



This is really different than doing the Social Thing.

Although, I don't get most of the social thing.

Talk with my peers about make up? 

Find this conversation meaningless as it does not pertain to my life.

Activities are handy because I can (sort of) opt out of doing the Weird Social Stuff thing


Activities also give NTs something to do too.


They sort of put everyone on the same page as to what they should do with their feet. And a level playing field is the best thing.


Friends:


I didn't really have very many friends growing up. I had my sister, I had my Mom and Dad. I had our dogs.


I did have a couple of friends at school, and at other activties but to be honest with you
Most people were so mean to me that I didn't really want to interact with them, they were scary.


I still have a lot to say about this, because having friends is super important, and I love the friends that I have. I know it seems like many NNTs don't have friends, or don't have enough friends, but that's because we need a different kind of support than the kind that comes from a conventional friendship. We need different things to help us make friends than other people. We can have happy, successful lives, they will also be filled with some kind of interaction, it might not be the typical kinds of interactions that are expected or that fufill the lives of NTs. What matters is that you find something that makes you feel safe and happy.

People are really really weird and they don't make sense, but I don't know a single person NNT or not who doesn't want at least some form of companionship. The best advice that I can think of that is the truest to me is to keep trying.

They may not seem like they're around right now, but soon you'll find them.

Welcome to my chaos

Hey Y'all! Thanks for all your support during the LSATs. I stuck it to them.

Like this.

I'm hoping that you missed me. BUT I have a very good reason.  

My life has been in total chaos the last two weeks. 

Like This.

Let me tell you why.

My routine changed. 

I moved out of my dorm room, the place where I have been living for the last 10 months. This means I had to find a new place for all of my stuff. In the end, I went to the airport with two bags weighing more than 120 pounds total.

People were graduating, and moving on with their life. This means I won't see many of them for a very long time. Some of them I may never see again.

Classes ended, and along with them the predictable schedule of studying and classwork I love my predictable schedule.

My life has changed.

Which got me to thinking about a question I got from stark. raving. mad. mommy. 

What advice would you give a teacher about introducing new people and changes to routine in the classroom? About helping a student through upsets in class? 

Great question!

So, if you are NNT, the world is kind of unpredictable.

If you poke them, they will cry.

Honestly, things that most people find predictable, I find less so. I think this comes from the fact that I miss a lot of non verbal cues from people. They see things that give them a more complete view of the world than I do.

Once something new happens I automatically think about the worst thing that could happen. Then I think about everything  else that could possibly happen. EVERYTHING.

And then I'm exhausted.

Like This

The older I get the more I can tell myself

Self that is a dumb thought that is not helpful. Squids will not walk out of the ocean because you tried calamari.

If you know this reference, we are friends.

But as a kid, it's a little harder to predict what is going on in your world. You simply don't have the same amount of experience that you do as an adult. Also, as a kid you don't have as much control over what you do in your life. Parents, teachers and baby sitters pretty much control where you are and who your with all the time.

If I could go back in time and give advice to the teachers and babysitters who were in charge of me I would ask them to predict the world for me.

Microwave= Time machine

If you can make the world more predictable for those of us whose world is less than predictable then we will have less meltdowns and be happier.

Meltdowns in cases of changes I think come from the emotion and anxiety brought on by not being able to understand these changes.

I would start early, way before a major change is going to happen. I would also be prepared to talk about what is going to happen again before the change happens.

Discuss what this change means in a classroom. Does it change the hours that you do things? Does it change who gets attention from the teacher? What doesn't it change? Is lunch going to be at the same time? Where is the bathroom going to be?

Why are you doing that

Can you develop some skills that will help the child predict similar changes in the future? For example, if you have half days on the third Friday of every month, would setting up a calendar and marking off the days help make that more predictable?

The more you can make a child's world view complete, the happier they will be. And after all, happiness is the end goal.

AWW

How to tell your NNT they are NNT

 [author's note: I totally had this post done yesterday and then blogger decided 'No, all your hard work writing clever things WAS FOR NOTHING' and then it deleted half the work I did on this post. So now I'm all annoyed and the post isn't as good ad the one I wrote yesterday.]

One of these things is not like the other.

So, you have a kid who is NNT? How do you tell them that they are different from all of the other kids?

This is a hard thing to do, but it's well worth the effort

This is a process of realization, not a one step and out the door kind of thing.

this is the beginning of your journey

The first step: Don't panic. Take a deep breath. 

Step 2: know the facts. 
You should know what kind of NNT your child is. Talk to the doctor who made the diagnosis and see if they have an resources about the NNT. Do a google search and read the wikipedia page. The more you know about the diagnosis the better advocate and ally you can be for your child.

Step 3: Tell your kid

OMG PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF POP ICONS TELL YOUR KID. 

If you kid was anything like me, they thought that they were retarded. Like that there was something wrong with them. They thought this because someone either implied it or said it to their face. Or both. Let me tell you what you already know: there is nothing wrong with your kid. Their brain is wired differently. Promise Promise that any trauma that might occur from telling your kid that they are different is significantly less traumatic than letting your kid go through life thinking that they are broken, dumb or that there is something wrong with them.

Step 3a: Use a metaphor.

Brains are super complex and not much is known about being NNT. So it might be helpful to use a metaphor. Cautionary note: please explain that it is a metaphor, otherwise your kid will think that there are wires in their brains. The metaphor that helped me was the wiring metaphor, saying that I was wired differently, my brain processes information in a different way than other people. NOT WRONG. JUST DIFFERENT.

Step 3b: Use the diagnosis.
So, this one might just be me. But I found it super helpful to use the exact works that were in my diagnosis. This was helpful because as I got older I found I had to explain to adults and my peers why I was acting the way I was. Knowing the words associated with my diagnosis was helpful to learn to self advocate.

Step 4: Tell them that you love them.
I think this is the best way to end any conversation, especially hard conversations.

AWWW

Side note: using the diagnosis as an excuse
So, I've read comments on a lot of other blogs that say that parents don't let their kids use their NNTness as an excuse. Good for you. It's not an excuse. But I feel like there's an explaination that might be helpful.

NNT isn't an excuse to not do things like chores or homework.

But it can make certain things more difficult, like predicting and generalizing about homework and chores.

For example: If trash day comes once a week, and it comes on Monday, then it is expected that the trash will be gathered up earlier, therefore you should gather the trash on Sunday night. This seems like a simple concept, yes? However, sometimes NNT brains don't make connections that follow the If Then Therefore formula. You might have to explain the formula and generalize about trash day before that behavior becomes predictable.

Honestly, you spend so much time trying to convince people that you CAN do things it doesn't make sense to waste time telling your parents that you CAN'T do something.

Bonus Side Note: what I remember about being told I was NNT
I was diagnosed when I was 6 or 7 years old. We lived in a small town in rural New Mexico. In order to get tested we had to drive to Albuquerque. It was a very long drive. We got to the doctors office and a man who looked a little like Santa timed me while I drew pictures of shapes.

There were little desks and he sat the little desk even though he didn't fit at it. After I was finished drawing, he told me that I had Nonverbal Learning Disability. It meant I had a hard time reading emotions and copying things down from the board at school. He told me I was unique. I told him I liked being unique.

Then in the waiting room there was a tick in SeaStar's hair. It was really gross and The Matriarch pulled it out of her hair with tweezers. She put it in a bag and SeaStar had to go to the hospital.

So that's what I remember, a man who looked like Santa and a tick in my sisters hair.

Different way of viewing the world

The best advice I ever got.

I have the chance to answer some questions that came from moms. I'll try and answer the questions to the best of my ability. Some of the questions are also serving as inspiration for future posts. So be patient. 

The first question:

What is the best piece of advice or support your parents gave you? If you could go back in time and tell your parents one thing about parenting you, what would it be?

That's a pretty easy one.

The best advice The Matriarch ever gave me is saved on my phone.  It says:

"You are remarkable. Pursue your interests and the right people will come along to keep you company"

So far, it's worked pretty well. It's pretty easy to get caught up in wanting friends and wanting to be liked by my peers. This advice is a good reminder to focus on my academic interest and not stress too much about the people in my life. 

The best advice Dr. Capt. Daddy gave me was

"It doesn't matter if you can do a job as much as your attitude matters. If you have a good attitude, show up on time and are generally nice to people then it doesn't matter what your deficiencies are."

This has served me pretty well too.  It's also easy to get caught up in what I can't do. You get told so much as NNT that there are things that you can't do. This advice reminds me that even though I am NNT I am also much more than that. I can do a great number of things, including some things that NT's can't do.


The advice I would give my parents if I had a time machine?

Don't forget to use your words. Your words have the greatest impact on my life. Tell me that you love me. 

I never felt unloved as a kid, but it was really meaningful when my parents told me with words.